Economists Admit Outlook Is Uncertain, Predict GDP To One Decimal Place
WASHINGTON, D.C. - After repeatedly emphasizing that the economic outlook remains unusually uncertain, the nation’s leading economists announced Tuesday that U.S. GDP will grow exactly 2.3% next year.
“Obviously there are enormous unknowns,” said Dr. Alan Mercer, chief economist at a major investment bank. “Geopolitical conflict, tariffs, inflation, interest rates, consumer spending, fiscal policy, AI investment, energy prices, labor markets, and several things we haven’t thought of yet could completely change the trajectory.”
Mercer then adjusted his glasses and added, “So, 2.3%.”
Other forecasters broadly agreed, with estimates ranging from 2.1% to 2.6%, a level of precision typically associated with measuring lumber rather than guessing what 340 million people, Congress, the Federal Reserve, several wars, and the global financial system might do over the next 18 months.
The forecasts were accompanied by 74-page reports containing phrases such as “considerable uncertainty,” “risks remain two-sided,” and “subject to revision,” before arriving at numbers precise enough to suggest God had personally leaked next year’s national accounts.
Asked how economists could be so exact about something they simultaneously described as impossible to predict, Mercer appeared confused by the question.
“We use models,” he explained.
At press time, the same economists had revised their 2.3% forecast to 2.2% following an unexpectedly weak Tuesday afternoon restaurant survey.
